Hands Clean
by Saravien
Summary: *complete* Songfic. Quistis wonders if she'll always be the "other woman." Very first attempt at non-action oriented story, PLEASE read and review!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: All the FF8 stuff belongs to Square, but you knew that. "Hands Clean" by Alanis Morrisette probably belongs to her record company....

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Author's Note: Just a little thing I thought of driving home from work one night. To anybody reading Rain of Roses, no, I didn't give up on it, I'm still working on Chapter Ten. 

Okay, now....don't me beg for reviews......This is my first songfic, and I'm quite nervous about it.....

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Tears sparkled on Quistis's cheeks like tiny diamonds, slipping their quiet way down reddened cheeks. She lay on her bed, clutching the tangled blanket in trembling hands as she stared forlornly out the window at the darkening landscape. The sky was colored a deep crimson with the last rays of the sun, giving her room an eerie red glow, as if everything was awash in blood. She stared hollowly at the sliver of sun. The heavy ache in her heart was accompanied by a feeling of emptiness, as if all her emotion had washed away with her tears and left her this dry, vacant shell.

**_If it weren't for your maturity _**

none of this would have happened

If you weren't so wise beyond your years

I would've been able to control myself

He had been a part of her life as long as she could remember, first as a fellow orphan in Matron's house by the sea, then as a student at Garden--

_Her student..._

--and as a fellow pawn in the Sorceress War. 

**_If it weren't for my attention_**

You wouldn't have been successful and

If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

She always believed he was her greatest achievement as an instructor...and her greatest failure. Funny, how both of her star students, the Garden's best hopes for gunblade specialists, were both such stories of incredible success and incredible failure on her part. 

**_Ooh, this could be messy_**

But you don't seem to mind

Ooh, don't go telling everybody

And overlook this supposed crime

She knew she shouldn't have been attracted to him....He was her student, by Hyne! She could recall keenly how she would look forward each day to the classes he would attend, would straighten her uniform and run to the bathroom between sessions to be certain every golden strand was perfectly in place. She masked her attraction as best she could, ashamed at her inability to control her hormones. She couldn't deny to herself, however, how her pulse would quicken when she walked by his desk, how shivers would race up her spine each time his dark, brooding eyes met hers.

And somehow, she just knew he knew. The glint in his eyes, the ever so faint smile at the corners of his lips...

_Someday, _she would vow silently, _someday you won't be my student anymore..._

**_We'll fast forward to a few years later_**

And no one knows except the both of us

And I have honored your request for silence

And you've washed your hands clean of this

The day of the SeeD graduation ball would bring the beginning of a chain of events that would permanently alter the course of her life, throwing it off the carefully planned track and into the chaos of the war that would follow. Everything changed. 

Squall Leonhart became a SeeD. Seifer Almasy failed the exam...again. Quistis Trepe spent her last day as an instructor. And enter one Rinoa Heartilly, the dark haired beauty who would eventually steal away the most important things in the blonde SeeD's life. 

She touched the memory of the conference where she'd lost her instructor's license carefully, the wound still sore. She had needed someone, anyone, and had discovered that somewhere along the way, she'd forgotten to make friends. So she turned to her student, one who didn't hero worship her like the poor, blessed Trepies.

And he had brushed her off.

**_You're essentially an employee and_**

I like you having to depend on me

You're kind of my protege and one day

You'll say you learned all you know from me

The Sorceress War had thrown all their lives into a tumultuous mess. She found herself in the field again, taking orders from her former student. She discovered friends she'd never had, and learned some things about her youth she had forgotten. 

Through it all, he was there.

To her dismay, even the impending destruction of all existence couldn't quiet her racing heart when she saw him. The heat of battle lust was still smothered by the incredible desire she found increasingly difficult to ignore. 

The battle with Ultimecia had come, and, amazingly, they all survived. They returned as heroes...to the people who actually remembered. Mostly the world had gone on spinning, and life returned to normal. 

Upon her commander's recommendation she had become Cid's aide, organizing and planning for the busy headmaster...

_Over-glorified secretary, if you ask me, _she thought bitterly to herself, wiping her hand across her eyes. The deep sapphire orbs burned, and her head was starting to pound. 

**_I know you depend on me _**

Like a young thing would to a guardian

I know you sexualize me 

Like a young thing would

And I think I like it**__**

She remembered the day vividly...the best day of her life. A year had passed since Ultimecia's defeat. She had felt like a zombie, walking through each day mindlessly, without any real sense of purpose. That day, something had made her decide to take a walk around the Garden, get away from the endless pile of paperwork and breathe a little. Her wandering steps brought her to the second floor observation deck, where she stood staring out over the wide expanse of the ocean. Balamb Garden was on its way to Esthar on an official visit with the president. 

_She took a deep breath, drawing in the salty sea air. Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to get lost in the sound of the ocean, let her mind fly with the cool, soft breeze. She wasn't even aware she was no longer alone until she heard his voice, that voice that whispered to her in her dreams. _

"Quistis....?" 

She didn't turn around. She didn't want to face him. She felt suddenly vulnerable, and her eyes shimmered with gathering tears. She could just barely see him out of the corner of her eye as he stepped up to stand beside her, looking at the horizon. She couldn't begin to fathom what was going on behind that blank expression, but she thought she caught a hint of....

Regret?

"What are you doing out here all by yourself?" he asked, that smooth voice sending shivers up her spine, just as it always had. Time had done nothing to dull her body's reaction to him.

She laughed bitterly as she considered his question. "Everywhere I am by myself," she said softly. He turned to look at her, his brow furrowed. 

"I needed some air," she continued, more clearly. She suddenly became uncomfortably aware that he was staring at her, looking up and down the length of her body, and she suddenly had the impression he was really looking at her, maybe for the first time.

"Quisty..."

Her mouth parted in surprise as he reached out and touched her cheek, tracing a line down her face to her lips before resting his hand under her chin. Then the impossible happened.

The earth moved. The sky fell. The heavens began to spin wildly.

He kissed her.

**Ooh, this could get messy**

But you don't seem to mind

Ooh, don't go telling everybody

And overlook this supposed crime

Those beautifully chiseled features, that soft, silky hair that felt exactly as she'd imagined tangled in her long, deft fingers. Those dark, brooding eyes were so close...She knew she could just let herself fall in, get lost in their promising depths forever. One thought snaked its evil way into her mind.

"But....Rinoa?" she whispered. She damned herself silently for her big mouth. Couldn't you just accept it and be happy for your brief moment, Trepe?_ she asked herself. _

She saw a pained look pass over his face, and her heart sank. Her moment was over.

Then he leaned close, his voice a husky whisper in her ear. "I'll meet you at your room, after hours. We'll....talk..."

**_We'll fast forward to a few years later_**

And no one knows except the both of us

And I have honored your request for silence

And you've washed your hands clean of this

That night became the first in many as her deepest fantasy was fulfilled. She knew she was in love with him, felt it in every fiber as their bodies became one. Despite her ecstasy, however, all was not well.

**_What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?_**

What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?

What's with this distance 

It seems so obvious

He did not leave the raven haired woman who had stolen him away in the first place. No, indeed. To the public eye, they were a happy, radiant couple. In the beginning, this didn't bother Quistis much. She was so overjoyed to finally be able to touch him, kiss him, make love to him, that she didn't care about having to remain silent and aloof in public. It wasn't as if she ever had to lie about it. No one ever asked. He was the picture of discretion, and she wouldn't dare jeopardize what they did have with exposing him. 

Over time, however, the sneaking around, the secret looks, the acted coldness began to take its toll on her. Was she destined to always be the other woman? 

**_Just make sure you don't tell on me _**

Especially to members of your family

We best keep this to ourselves 

And not tell any members of our inner posse  
She was his comfort, his safe haven. She told herself to just be understanding and supportive, and eventually he would see how dedicated and in love she was. Someday, he'd love her back. 

**__**

I wish I could tell the world 

'Cause you're such a pretty thing 

When you're done up properly  
I might want to marry you one day 

If you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Fresh tears welled up in her eyes to slip quietly down her face. She was far past the point of sobbing, feeling too drained to put enough effort in her crying. Today, her world had come crashing down.

_They saw Rinoa skipping towards them, an unusually pronounced spring in her step. Granted, the young woman was a happy one, always bright and trying to bring cheer into everyone's life. Despite the secret that lay in Quistis's chest, she had never been able to hate Rinoa._

Until today.

"Look everyone!" Rinoa chirped excitedly, holding out her hand to display a sparkling diamond. "He asked me to marry him!" 

There were surprised and happy exclamations all around the table. Quistis plastered a dumb, fake grin on her face, joining Selphie in squeals of excitement as Rinoa began to chatter away about the plans they'd already made for the momentous day. 

Quistis gulped down the rest of her lunch and stood. "Well, I've got some paperwork to finish. Congratulations again, Rinoa."

"Thanks!" 

"See ya later, Quisty." The group's attention returned to Rinoa as Quistis walked away as fast as she could manage and remain dignified. Once she stepped out into the Garden's fountain circle and spotted him across the way, she all but ran back to her dorm room.

There was a soft knock on her door.

She jumped, startled out of her dark thoughts by the unexpected sound. "Go away," she mumbled.

"Quisty?" a male voice called faintly. "Please let me in....I heard, too."

She paused, staring at the door. Maybe....maybe he would understand. He was her lover's rival, the arch enemy. He, too, had tried once to hold Rinoa's heart, and ultimately had lost her. 

He didn't give her the chance to think about it too long, however, and she watched as he opened and closed the door softly behind him. There he stood, and she realized he had never been in her room before. It was just like her.....Neat, orderly....

_With a dark secret..._

Just the sight of him, so similar to her lover, with the same powerful build, brooding eyes, the same gleaming gunblade hung casually at his side, brought a wave of unfathomable sorrow over her, and she couldn't choke back the sob that seized her heart.

In an instant he was there with her, holding her. She let herself fall into those strong arms, let him comfort her. It was so unlike him, to reach out, especially to her, but in her heart torn state, she didn't question it. She let him hold her for a long time, her body wracked by sobs she could no longer contain.

When her energy finally ran out, she became dimly aware of him stroking her hair softly, of his rhythmic breathing and the steady pounding of his heart next to her ear. She looked up at him, exhausted.

"Why?" she whispered.

"Why what?" he asked evasively.

"Why did you come? Why hold me...."

"Oh, Quisty," he sighed. "You have no idea, do you? I suppose that's my own damned fault."

"What do you mean?" 

He put his finger under her chin and lifted her face towards his. "I know about it."

She didn't have to ask what he meant. If she hadn't been so worn out, she might have felt some fear. Instead, she felt dully curious.

His face softened. She realized she'd never seen him look like this. There was a warmth in his eyes that he normally lacked, a tenderness in his features. 

"So what?"

"I...have wanted to tell you this before....but...I didn't want to hurt you. Quisty....you know he loves Rinoa. No, wait, listen to me," he pulled her back towards him. "She love him, too. They're going to get married. But that's not why you need to walk away from him."

She stared at him with red eyes. Her sorrow and exhaustion was making her head feel fuzzy, and she wasn't quite sure where he was going. "Why, then?"

"Because....there's someone else that loves you. Someone that loves you with his heart and soul. Someone who can't stop thinking about you, and can't sit any lon ger and watch you die a little bit more with every day that passes."

A long moment of silence passed as she let his words sink in. "You?" she asked timidly.

"Yes, Quistis..." he breathed, and she was taken aback by the unexpected depth of emotion his voice held.

"Oh, Squall...."

**_Ooh, this could be messy and  
Ooh I don't seem to mind  
Ooh don't go telling everybody  
And overlook this supposed crime_**

Squall stayed with her the whole night through. She'd been too tired to talk much, but he was content with simply watching her sleep. In the morning he would arrange for them both to take a vacation....a much needed vacation. 

She wasn't ready for a real relationship, yet. Her heart was too sore and tired. For now, the best he could do was be her friend and hold her when she needed to cry. And maybe someday she'd love him back... 


	2. Author's Note

Author's Note:

I guess maybe I wasn't really clear there at the end of the chapter....so here's some explanation. 

No, Oracle, I meant to type Squall. The story is that Seifer returns to Garden after the war, and Rinoa goes back to him, because it was really him she was in love with all along. I deliberately made every description of the two men ambiguous and was hoping to make the reader think they were reading about Squall, when actually she was talking about Seifer. ::sighs:: I guess I blew it. All well. Bad, Saravien! No more angst for you!


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